The Bowels of Princess Alexandra.

Of course I hardly slept again and could have easily dropped off again after Will wakened me at 6.00 am......but I had to get up.I set off just before 7.00 and walked straight out of the man- cave into a spider's web. The eight legg-ed builder was stunned as it suddenly found itself sitting on my chest. It couldn't come with me......I've seen Spiderman and while some of his super powers might come in useful...I don't suit red lycra.It was raining.....just to add to the misery of the day.Dr Fanning said the PET scanner was in the basement but it is actually on the ground floor of the P.A Hospital...OK, so really it was not in the bowels of Princess Alexandra but I like the title so I ain't changing it.I had been asked to arrive at 7.45 am but I got there about 7.30 ish. I was following the signs to PET and seemed to be also going in the same direction as 'The Gamma Knife'.......I didn't like the sound of that at all and I dearly hope I never have to encounter it......it sounded like the sort of thing Dr Who has to deal with and he is welcome to it.No matter how hard you try to not think about it here I was heading into the Oncology Department.....but I tried to think of it simply as the study of 'Oncs'....and I didn't have any.....as far as I was concerned I was 'onc-less'."Hello" said the girl at reception sat beneath a huge, tightly coiled bun on her head. I handed her my papers and she tapped away at her computer.There was another nurse next to me fiddling with a small Christmas tree...."Oh, I can't do this with one hand!" She was trying to add a small cardboard present decoration to it."Shall I help?" I said reaching to her aid.She snatched it away from me......so that was a big 'NO.'She managed to attach it and admired her work."Oh, I feel all festive now," I said. It was a blatant lie.Bun girl checked my details and printed out a wrist band for me then directed me to the PET waiting room.I had hardly sat down when my name was called.It was Megan. She took me to a room and weighed me. 93.3 kgs......when in the world of 'Oncs' there is nothing more welcome than seeing that you haven't lost any weight.She measured my height...."179cm?"I hadn't a clue.....but nodded.She checked my details, tested my blood sugar levels again and told me what I should expect and then took me to another room to change into some fetching hospital garments.The pants she picked out for me would have been loose on Fatty Arbuckle but I tried not be offended.

'Suits you Sir!'

When I was changed she lead me off again."You are in Room 1" she said.In room 1 there was something very much like a dentist's chair, set at a jaunty angle and she indicated that I should sit in it so I did.She fitted a canula to my right arm....Then came the Old Chestnut........"You might feel a little prick."I did.She hooked me up to some saline solution to keep the line open and then went off to get a warm blanket and some water for me."Fresh from the oven," she said when she came back, placing the toasty blanket over me."Every home should have one," I said."Well, yes in winter," she said. " The Doctor will be along shortly to talk to you and then the scan technician, just press this button if you need anything," and she left me in room 1.It was all very clinical looking....as you would expect and very quiet except for the neverending 'sigh' of the air conditioning.There were a lot a radiation warning signs about.....apparently, after my scan I was going to be pretty radioactive for the rest of the day.....I wondered if I would be able to cook sausages for tea just by holding them in my hands.There was a guy in a room opposite. He was smart but casual and looked very busy but didn't seem to be doing very much......there was a lot of opening of empty cupboards, and putting things in bins and then scribbling on pieces of paper. A rubenesque girl came along with some papers....one of her trouser legs was caught in her sock and it looked silly.....she chatted briefly to 'smart but casual' and ambled back from whence she came.There was something chirruping in the room with 'smart but casual'......I wondered if it was a canary and when it drops dead everyone heads for the hills.Was he the doctor?.......I wondered.He wasn't......the Doctor came. I think he said he was called 'DJ'.He checked my details again and asked about my medical history and asked if I had any questions."Is that a canary?".....I wanted to ask but didn't.DJ left......and 'smart but casual' from the room opposite arrived."Hi Nick, I'm James and I will be giving you your injection before your scan."James was the Scan Technician. Gosh, he had fabulous teeth!.......They were flippin' perfect!"Once you have had it, we will leave you here for 50 minutes or so and then  you will have your scan. O.K?"He was definitely on my bus.....the World of 'Oncs' had its plus points.He left and came back with a fabulous, bright yellow drip feeder that looked like it had been designed by Philippe Starck and hooked me up to it. Only the most fashionable equipment for James."This will beep for a bit while the fluid goes in and I will come back when it has stopped."Ah, maybe this was the chirruping sound I had heard.........but no, the drip beep was a different sound.He set it off, checked it was working OK and then left, closing the 'Radiation Warning' doors.It beeped for about 5 minutes then gave one last long 'beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep' and stopped.I waited with anticipation for James to come back.....he did eventually peep in and took me of the Philippe Starck drip and hooked me up to the normal one."OK Buddy, I will leave you now for 50 minutes or so and then they will come and take you for your scan."He left and I never saw James again.I actually fell asleep in that 'sort of dentist's chair' under that warm blanket...I woke myself up with a little snort. I had slept for about 40 minutes! A bit disorientated I reached for my plastic cup for a drink and knocked it onto the floor. I just left it....I had a drip in my arm and didn't want to disturb it.Eventually the doors opened and an Asian guy came in."I'm going to take you for your scan but first you need to empty your bladder."He unhooked me from the drip and led me out, showed me where the loo was and said "Take a seat on the blue chairs when you are ready."Opposite the blue chairs were 2 doors....one had 'MAGNET ALWAYS ON' illuminated above it and the other said 'X-RAY ON' but it was not illuminated.The doors to the magnet room swung open and a guy came out..."And you are?....." he said."Nicholas" I answered."Ah, I am looking for someone else." He wandered off.The rubenesque girl with the trouser leg stuck in her sock was looking for me....She took me into the 'X-RAY ON' room. I hoped she was going to be more careful about setting up the scanner than she was with her  appearance.The PET scanner was like a CT scanner only a bit thicker. Both were donut like.......but as a donut I would always pick a thick stodgy PET donut over a CT donut any day.'Rubenesque girl' got me on the scanner and said," OK, you will go in and out a few times first and then you will move slowly through it for a bit."Such detail! No wonder her trousers were caught in her sock! She ambled out and it was just me and the PET scanner.We didn't speak......basically I just moved in and out a few times and then moved through it very slowly a bit at a time.After a while there was a quiet ringing sound......I thought it meant that it was over.....because I slid back to the starting position and someone came back in the room.It was a different nurse completely. What had happened to 'rubenesque girl?'......(she'd probably wandered off and got lost.)"Is that your phone?" she asked looking around."No," I said.It was a phone on the wall."Oh, that's strange," she said, "that's never rung before."We will never know who it was....but I like to think it was James trying to give me his phone number."James," I would have said, "you may have perfect teeth, a stylish Philippe Starck drip holder and beautifully fitting trousers (that I have not mentioned before until now) but no, James, I'm sorry, my heart is in Chelmer with a brightly coloured fellow with a samurai top knot and who is generally covered  in snot......go James, out from the World of 'Oncs', and seek another upon whom you can bestow your gifts.....Farewell James, Adieu."I left the PET scanner and found Megan."A drink? Would you like a sandwich?""Yes, a sandwich please," I said as she left me in yet another room alone.She came back with a salad sandwich....I could see it was packed with tomato."Is this OK?"It wasn't at all!.....but I nodded anyway.It was a hospital......of course they only put lettuce, cucumber, carrot and tomato between two pieces of bread........I had to eat a little so as not to look wasteful.....but it was dreadful........Where was Coronation Chicken when you needed it?I had to wait in my hospital garments until the Doctor had looked at my scans to check they were 'OK' ...ie.....of good enough quality to pass on.They were apparently......so I was free to go......and leave the World of 'Oncs' behind.Now I just have to wait until Monday when I am back to Dr Fanning for the results..........whatever happens I just have a sense that 'a big operation' is on the cards..........Heck! It was bad enough thinking about it before I even heard there was such a thing as a 'Gamma Knife!' at large in the World!