Carey's Cave.

It seemed like a good idea at the time to venture underground......The caves are not open every day but were open on Wednesdays during school holidays. There were two tours one at 12.00 pm and one at 1.30 pm. We missed the 12.00 pm one so decided to go for the 1.30 pm one.The caves are in the middle of nowhere, up a dirt track and are presented without much fanfare. There were a few cars parked under trees beside some old sheds and a chalkboard with the times of the days tours.We arrived a bit early about 1.00 pm and sat with a group of other waiting people under a vine draped pergola. There was a large family group one of whom was a small boy with 'Bambam' top knot, like his Dad (and Will). He appeared to be the child from Hell as he tormented his family with the large green grasshopper he was holding, putting it in his Nana's bag, waving it in his mother's face, putting it on his Grandpa's head before pulling one of it's legs off. The family did and said nothing apart from one woman, an aunt perhaps, who asked'"Do they feel pain?""I hope not," said someone else.The boy proceeded to wander about with it before throwing it into the air a few times until finally he lost it.I couldn't help but think that if we were indeed headed into a disaster movie situation, trapped underground by a rockfall, these were the last people on Earth that I wanted to be with.The tour start deadline of 1.30 passed and still we waited. More people arrived,  to pad out the 'disaster movie' cast, including a token Indian family complete with sari wearing grandmother. We already had two 'Shelley Winters' types who were bound to get trapped in a tight squeeze. A young couple arrived on a motorcycle but after a further 15 minutes of waiting, called their agent, and left the movie whence they had come.At about 2.00 pm people emerged on the hillside and wandered down followed by bearded man who was obviously the guide. As he passed the shady pergola he said;"I'll be with you shortly folks"He wandered on to the old sheds and opened them up. People from the previous tour flocked in buying crisps and drinks and some of our cast wandered in to buy their tickets, so we went and got ours.It must have been 2.30 before Geoff, for that was his name, was ready to start our tour.We all wandered up the hill and he stopped us outside the door to the cave and proceeded to talk about the surrounding rock formations....I started to get a sense of foreboding at that point as he obviously preferred to use 100 words when most people could have said it in 10!We were all stood in a circle, not because, in such a group situation, it is easier to communicate and listen that way but because in the middle of the group there was a huge writhing nest of ants which was far more interesting than Geoff's waffle about limestone."These are the least visited caves in Australia" he said....I think I was beginning to see why.We eventually headed in and down the thirty or so wet steps into an illuminated cavern. I have to say it was much more spectacular than I was expecting.Geoff introduced us to some caving terms like stalactite and stalagmite with"Girls remember mites go up, tights go down. Boys you just have to remember tights go down."Geoff lived in the bush, he probably didn't see many other people, we were now his captive audience, trapped underground with him....it was going to be a long tour.In the second cavern there were lots of plastic chairs."I tell you what, there is no tour after this one, let's do something a bit different. Take a seat everyone."We didn't want to ....but we all did.The lights went out and we were plunged into darkness...except for a glimmer of light high up that was a shaft to the outside....then Geoff lit a candle. It was supposed to represent how the caves would have looked to the first explorers. He wittered on about seeing colour and relating it somehow to how people don't really look these days and railing against modern technology... I wasn't listening. I was wondering if I could get up that shaft to the outside. Geoff was lighting more candles."Can you see colour now?"I leaned over to Will sat next to me and whispered," We are trapped underground with a loony!"Geoff was holding 7 candles now......"Can you see colour?"We could see it at five but I think he was trying to show us how many candles he could hold in one hand. How far would he go? he stopped thankfully at 10. Hot wax was dripping down over his fingers and hand forming wax stalactites but he didn't flinch because he was without feeling. He had no empathy, no awareness of the feeling of others. He was a wax wielding psychopath.He allowed the children present to blow the candles out one by one. Phoebe blew out candle number 7. There were no children left. The two 'Shelley Winters' were sat behind us. He offered his wax covered hand to them. They blew out all three that were left. We all knew why.His monologue was over and we were allowed to explore the cavern. Suddenly it was filled with the sound of someone singing Amazing Grace. No, it wasn't Geoff....It was the younger of the two Indian women. She had a really lovely voice and I was amazed at her bravery in doing it. Geoff asked her to sing some more so she sang 'How Great Thou Art' and was awarded by a round of applause from the rest of the disaster movie cast."I can see you didn't marry her for her cooking," said Geoff to the husband, " you married her for her voice. I would marry a woman for her voice."I was certain at that point that the Indian woman's husband was probably going to be the first to die.Geoff called us down to some tables upon which there were various rocks. 'Oh No!'.....more talking.It was at this point that my camera died... it happened quietly but was unexpected and quite a shock to me....no one else noticed, they were all pretending to be interested in Geoff's rocks. I muttered a few choice words and buried my camera in my pocket. The guy next to me suddenly handed me a rock."There you go."I didn't know what it was or what to do with it so just held it until a small child came and relieved me of it.The two 'Shelley Winters' were still sat on the plastic chairs. If the talk had been on rock buns they might have been more interested but they were losing the will to live. Even the 'Devil Child' with the top knot had retreated to the arms of his father and was quietly whimpering.The rock talk over we headed deeper into the cave. It was quite spectacular to see all the weird formations created by water dripping through rocks. Geoff showed us a fossil of a sea creature....I think he had drawn it on the rock.He asked us if we liked the way he had lit one particular cavern. He was experimenting with it. Of course we all said we did...we hoped to get out alive."Well, there is just one more cavern left," said Geoff. I doubt mine was the only heart that leapt with joy. We all duly filed in.....it was a tight squeeze. He told us that the previous week he had come out of the cave after the first tour to find 85 people waiting for the second tour. It was a record apparently. I was impressed at how well he had concealed so many bodies down there....you wouldn't have a clue even if you were looking for them."We had just reached this point," he said, of the tour last week, "when all the lights went out and we were plunged into darkness and I had to leave everybody and go back out to switch the lights back on. They all coped very well with it," he said.I expected there were a few screams even from some of the men on that tour and I was sure I could still smell their fear even now....I could definitely smell something.One of the reviews I read on Tripadvisor, after our eventual escape (Oh, Damn! I've spoiled the ending) mentioned enduring a tour down there with a very smelly Frenchman which left the rest of the tour gagging. Perhaps it was he I could still smell."Right, well these ladies are a bit claustrophobic and are keen to get out," said Geoff, indicating the two 'Shelley Winters', " so head down the steps ladies and up to the right."I was following behind them as they negotiated the damp steps down and then up to the right.But arriving at the directed destination found it to be a dead end."Oh no!" said the biggest 'Shelley Winters' "this is where he kills us!""Yes," I added, " this is the caving version of 'Wolf Creek!"We all squeezed together again to hear Geoff's views on Global Warming and observe a damp pillar that was rarely as damp as it presently was.And then Geoff said, " Well, that's it." I was surprised when the Indian lady or at least her husband, didn't break into the 'Hallelujah Chorus.'"How far do you think we have come from the entrance?" Asked Geoff.I was thinking a kilometre. "800 metres?" Said Will."110 metres" said Geoff.No one could believe it.....why did it seem so much further? If he had asked how long we had been down there I would have said 'three days?'"Right make your way back out carefully," said Geoff.Most practically ran for the exit only to be thwarted at the last moment by the closed door at the entrance. The thirty damp steps up and out were crammed with a desperate backlog. People looked bewildered and voices ahead cried 'We can't open it.'"I have a hairclip," cried someone helpfully.Geoff didn't seem in a hurry to help. A bat began to fly about to add to the chaos and after 'three days' of being careful I hit my head on a low hanging rock.Eventually, someone must have got the door open for the 'cast' began to move upwards and we all spilled out into the light. One large gentleman bolted down the hill straight towards the toilets.The tour was supposed to take just over an hour but we had been down there nearly three!...that is almost the time it took me to sit my English Literature A level exam.....and I thought that was hellish!We went straight to Roxy and jumped in. The air conditioning belt squealed as she started up.Geoff was lumbering towards us."Your fan belt needs tightening.""You are not the first to tell us that," said Will."Where are you heading to?" Asked Geoff.Was there no escape?!"We are camping at Billy Grace Reserve," we said."Oh, not far," said Geoff. I wondered if we should have let that slip.We sped away from Carey's Cave and relished being out in the open once again.