'Mr Allen'- Back in Action!

So...the day dawned for my return unto the classroom. It was July 2013 when I last stood before a class and the waves of fear from earlier in the week came back like Japanese tsunamis to wash away all the calm of yesterday after my introductory visit.I was given the key and Supply Teacher Handbook and then there I was back in a familiar habitat. Australian classrooms and UK classrooms smell the same...heaven knows what makes the perfume, pens, dusty books, paint, glue, paper and musty carpets.I switched on the lights and then wondered what on Earth to do. There was very little to do as everything I needed was waiting in a box by the whiteboard. I opened up the Supply Teacher Handbook and found the Fire Evacuation Policy but couldn't find where we were actually to muster in the event of a fire. I rechecked the care plan for C who has an allergy to nuts and eggs and has an epipen on standby and then stood like a lemon for a bit.I'd gone far earlier than I needed to but I wanted to seem keen and look professional. I was to open the doors at 8.30 but popped out at 8.25 to find the teacher next door to see if she could tell me where to take the class in the event of a fire. The classroom next door was pitch black and locked up. A child arrived with mum but I nipped back in my class again and locked them out. I was going to everything by the book.I opened the doors again four minutes later with a smiley 'Good Morning!' and mum and the child came in.One of the next mum's in wanted to know where the 'tuck shop' box was. I hadn't a clue as I had not been told about 'tuck shop'."It's normally here" she said."What does it look like?" I asked."A box!" she said illuminatingly."Do you want to leave it until Monday until the teacher comes back?" I asked trying to find a solution."No! He needs his lunch today!...Oh! I'll go next door and ask Mrs S" and she walked out.'You can ask her if she is there! I thought.School started at 8.50 and by 8.45 there were only 1o children there and I began to wonder if the parents were keeping them off because a strange, fat, bald man was in the classroom today.S got upset when he arrived, he was even more anxious than me but I gave him the important job of holding my special pen until I needed it and he settled down fine.By roll (registration) time all 18 had arrived but not the Teacher Aide.  She turned up halfway through roll call. I was relieved to see her at last.I had been told to pose a question during roll to encourage talk and improve language skills so I asked each child what they wanted to be when they grew up. There were a lot of policemen, many of the girls aspired to be mums. One boy said 'dead'...which I was not expecting..."Dead?" I asked perturbed...but it was his accent and he meant 'dad'. There were two farmers, and a recycling man, one teacher and a hairdresser."Ooh! What would you do with mine?" I asked."Comb it" was her reply."That might be difficult," I said.I have to say the morning was interminable...8.50 until 11.00 before it was time for morning tea. I was worn out never mind the children. We did the letter 'A' to death. We traced them, copied them, wrote them, found things starting with them, pointed at them in books until 'A' was absolutely asphyxiated and annihilated.At morning tea they were out for 30 minutes and I had a break but they didn't come back in until 11.40 and it was only then that I realised that the wall clock was fast by 10 minutes. There was a reason the Teacher's Aide said...but she never told me the reason. To me it just meant the end of the day was not as close as it seemed.By this time I had already marked out J, Z and little Sh as the class pests. Could they sit still and listen? Could they buffalo!There were 'Gotcha Bands'...( look, I don't know either)  to hand out for those children who could: 'Be responsible', 'Be resilient', 'Be a learner' and 'Be respectful.' We hadn't given out any up to morning tea but went mad upto lunch time.We did maths next. S who had perked up since the morning said he could count to 100. I got him out and he set off counting confidently but stopped him at 39 saying"I'm sorry but I'm quite an old man and I haven't got much time left to listen to more but well done!"I held up some numbers and they held up the right amount of fingers. They were all pretty good which was why I was not very comfortable introducing the Teacher Aide's task where they had to practice writing the number '1' and glue 1 thing in 6 different boxes! I was doing sorting with my group.We swapped the 'Gotcha Bands' for stickers just before lunch. Everyone had one, even Z, but not J or little Sh. I urged them to try harder in the afternoon by giving them a little, slightly menacing pep talk before I let them go for lunch.I was on dinner duty but had 15 minutes to prepare for Art in the afternoon and gobble down half a sandwich before I put my hat on and went outside.They were all sat on a carpet under a shade awning eating their packed lunches...'tuck shop' people were eating their school made items one of which appeared to be 'fried rice'!I was to help supervise those children 'at play' who had finished. Eek! It was a 'bear garden'!There was a 30 foot long rope lying on the ground that ended up being wrapped around  the climbing frame and yanked in all directions by a child that only appeared to be able to squawk her disapproval at those who got in her way. on the other hand there was a rickety wooden obstacle course with children leaping at the end onto a thick crash mat.All my Health and Safety alarms were ringing madly, nay shrieking at an ear piercing level as I tried to step in to stop children being garotted or flattened by another airborne child.The other teacher eventually came and said that the rope was for the obstacle course and should be laid on the ground. I grabbed it off 'squawker' and laid it out. It didn't stay laid out for long. I fantasized about tying them all up with it like one of those big round hay bales and going inside to finish the rest of my sandwich.It was such a relief when it was time to tidy up. I wound the rope up first!By the time the afternoon session arrived I was regretting my suggestion of finger painting apple pictures and especially dreaded letting J, Z and little Sh anywhere near it...but it went much more smoothly than I had expected and the tables were not ruined nor the chairs. There were no painted clothes or hair and faces...it was an actual miracle.J got his 'Gotcha Band' and so did little Sh..but they still wriggled through my story."Put your hand up if you have enjoyed today" I said. They all did. I hope I was the only one that lied.I sent them off...I got one hug which is not bad after only a day and then made a quick display of their finger painted apples before locking up and taking the key and Supply Teacher Handbook back to Administration."Can you do me 2 days the week after next?" Asked the Business Service Manager. I told her I would love to but couldn't say yes because of the impending op. I asked if it was Prep but it was Years 3 and 4. I was happy to let that go.I am exhausted and sadly cannot say that I enjoyed it...well, apart from my off plan bits...but I survived and could cope with a few times a fortnight if that is possible.I'll leave you with the finger painted apples we did and go and lie down in a darkened room.