Jacqueline and Co...(My last day in hospital).

It was unusual to be in a mixed ward.Initially there was Jacqueline, Barbara, Maurice and I but they later moved Barbara and brought in Hamiora, who had been in Intensive Care.Barbara had had open heart surgery. She had initially been under doctors at the Gold Coast Hospital but had been moved to Brisbane when it was recently revealed that two high ranking surgeons at that hospital were being investigated for fraud. She was on her 6th week in hospital and was thoroughly fed up but the wound on her leg, where they had removed a vein for use in her operation, was not healing well and her doctors were considering a further operation. I heard one nurse discussing her leg with another and she used the word 'necrotic'.Barbara was quite large and bubbly considering the length of her confinement and the most upbeat and cheerful of the others. She had recently fallen on a trip to the loo and now was very nervous of moving about without assistance. She was diabetic but shared with me the secret that she had a packet of crisps and a bottle of Pepsi Max stashed away in her drawers.There was a funny moment when she was munching away on the crisps and our ward nurse came out of the shower with Jacqueline and she hid them quickly under her pillow, licked her fingers and waved cheerily to her.On my first night Barbara had a hypo and was brought a lemonade and a yoghurt which she enjoyed gleefully. She was glad to escape our room if only to get away from Jacqueline.Maurice had also had open heart surgery from the tell tale zip line down his chest. I have no idea how long he had been stuck in hospital but he was desperate to go and yet each day his hopes of escape were dashed. He slept the best out of all of us and hated being dragged out of his bed to sit in his chair. He was also diabetic.After he had been admitted his false teeth were misplaced for number of days but had happily been returned to him the day before I arrived. The last night while I was there he was fitted with a heart monitor as they had discovered that his heart was racing at times and they wanted to monitor it but he kept on accidentally removing the leads from the sensors on his chest. He hated the Japanese physiotherapist who, from all intents and purposes, previously worked in a prisoner of war camp on the River Kwai.Maurice had hopeless aim when visiting the toilet so we all learned to wait to visit it until after it had been cleaned whenever he had been in.Hamiora was Maori. He took Barbara's space when she was moved to another ward. He had had a new heart valve fitted. It turned out he was not a footballer at all but managed a transport firm. He was 39, had five children and a granddaughter. His youngest child was 7. On my last morning his wife and three eldest children came to visit him but patients were only allowed two visitors at a time."Fetch, them in," I said to his wife, "and just pretend that two of you are visiting me."Grumpy, pregnant Nurse Kate caught us."Are you pretending these are visiting you?"I had to admit it. "Is that ok?" I smiled sheepishly."O.K" she conceded.Jacqueline was the  most interesting as well as the most annoying of our 'quartet'. She was also diabetic. She was very vocal and initially very melancholy..."I wish I had a gun so I could finish myself off."The first night she hardly slept at all and moaned and complained through most of it wanting to sit in her chair and then go back to bed and then sit in her chair again but the second day she really perked up and was much more upbeat.I initially thought she was only 3 years older than me but she got her date of birth wrong. She was actually born in 1949. On our last morning she just started telling me about her early life. Her grandmother  and father were alcoholics and she spent some time in her early days locked in a room with her siblings while her parents drank. She was one of 10 and had spent most of her childhood in children's homes in Adelaide after her and her brothers and sisters were removed from their parents.  She said the first home was all bars at the windows and high fences. She said that people had come along that were interested in adopting her but her mother always said no."They say I am retarded," she said, "but I am clever. I am really good at jigsaws. I love my jigsaws." Jacqueline couldn't read but really wanted to learn so she could read a book."It's too late now.""It's never too late," I said.She said she was learning to write her name.Hamiora called out to a passing nurse but she didn't hear him."Do you want me to  fetch her?" I asked."I just want to go for a walk," he said, " the topic of conversation is getting too much for me."Jacqueline's speech was very childlike, slow and loud and sometimes she was difficult to follow as she didn't wear her false teeth. She drove everyone mad with her constant chatter and questioning but had a good heart and kept on telling all the nurses how beautiful they were. She loved Will ('isn't he handsome?')and thought we were a lovely couple."There's nothing wrong with it...(being gay). It doesn't matter. I don't care."She had a son. He was schizophrenic and after a recent car accident had ballooned in size due to the medication. He visited one afternoon."Pull your t-shirt down," she kept on saying to him as it rode up over his belly. he was called Werner and had brought a female friend with him."She's got a boyfriend," she told me after they had gone. "She's one of those.....you know..."I didn't know and said so."One of those who used to be a boy. I don't like her. She is bossy."Jacqueline had a partner and had been married once before. She called her new partner her husband  but they were not married. He was a quiet and gentle man and visited regularly and seemed intelligent, very much on the geeky side.She cleaned for a living and the two ladies she cleaned house for also visited her while I was there. It just goes to show how well she was thought of by these people.She wanted to go and visit Barbara. I knew which ward she had been moved to so said I would take her. She held my hand we shuffled slowly down the corridor to find Barbara.Later on my last morning Grumpy Kate and another nurse were doing an inspection of people's skin to check for bedsores. They checked Jacqueline first."You need to wear a bra," they told her. "You are putting strain on your wound.""You have lovely breasts," said Jacqueline, "I wish I had breasts like yours."I haven't mentioned Jacqueline's breasts but I will just say that the short purple nighty that she wore, which came down to just below her waist, only just covered them.Maurice was checked next."Can we see you bottom?" They asked."Yes, but don't pat it." He said.I was thinking surely they won't check me. I have only been in two and a bit days and hardly have time for bedsores to set in....but no.They pulled the curtains round and checked my feet and back."Can we look at your bottom now?""Crikey! You've got a good job," I said, but I obviously made their day!I was the first to escape the ward though Jacqueline was also told that she could go home the same day as me. She wanted hugs off Will and I. Maurice shook my hand and I thought 'Hmmm, I better wash that now as soon as I can.'I wished Hamiora luck and popped into say goodbye to Barbara and walked out into the sunshine and warm humid air of a Brisbane day.