Taking the Pi#*!

So...it is perhaps a sign of the times that the local authority for which I now work is, like many other authorities introducing Drug and Alcohol testing for its employees. Today I attended an awareness session about the new policy which was very interesting and a bit of an eye opener.'Drug and alcohol testing' is part of caring for employees and a way of minimising workplace accidents, we were told, as well as a way of cutting down absenteeism and compensation claims. It will be done within the law and by professional people with years of experience.We were told of one poor guy in an Executive position who lost his job following a 'Non- Negative' result caused by a nurse mixing his sample up with someone else's. Thankfully the professionals, who will be doing our testing, came to the rescue by taking some of his hair and proving conclusively that he had taken no drugs for the last three months." What if you don't have much hair," I tentatively asked the session provider, " and you want to keep what little hair you have?"He never battered an eyelid, nor even smirked and completely deadpan said,"We won't be using the hair method. We will just be taking the piss."I learned so much about drugs but the most eye opening thing was the lengths some people go to to avoid getting caught.The testing will involve a breath test and urine sample and during the latter test 'men' are monitored from behind, while women are left in private.Did you know that you can apparently purchase prosthetic penises in varying colours, conditions and sizes that people secrete about their person ready loaded with drug free pee for this kind of eventuality? Luckily the professional testers are highly trained in recognising the sound of a genuine 'tinkle' from the sudden spurt of a squeezed rubber appendage. There is no pulling the wool over these guys eyes.Awareness session over all we have to do now is wait for the white van to screech to a halt outside our place of work and drag us off for testing. I just hope I can perform with someone breathing down my neck. Still it will put an end to all those terrible incidents where people have been badly injured by someone drunk in charge of a book trolley.