Having kittens.

So......with huge hailstones and 'I'm a Celeb' and other general business I have hardly had time to think about my spiculated solid mass...........much.The phone rang at 8.00 am."Hello, could we come for respite today at 11.15, or is that a problem?""That's a problem," I said, "I have a doctor's appointment at 10.20.""Ok, well, I'll just have to re- shuffle."......and she was gone.I got up and began drinking the water as directed.I started to get a bit nervous about the whole thing but mainly worried that Blue Care would not arrive on time.Dulcie was up early. Her face was a bit swollen again but we couldn't think what she could have eaten yesterday that was unusual.....there was nothing. She is always fed up when her face is swollen."Do you fancy a game of cards?" I asked after breakfast.She did.......I smashed it! I was lucky with the cards. It didn't help her mood.Blue Care arrived at 9.55.....I didn't hang around and got going.I was at the Radiology Clinic well before 10.20. It was not as busy as last time.I filled in the required form and sat waiting.I saw a 50c piecee sitting on the floor by the reception desk. Another woman had seen it too and was looking at it....but she didn't move.'See a penny, pick it up, and all that day you will have good luck!' The saying popped into my head.....I wondered if it worked in Australia.It was worth a go, under the circumstances.....so I jumped up and picked it up and pooped it on the desk saying to the receptionist, "This was on the floor."As soon as I sat down I heard someone on the TV, above where I was sat utter the words;"He was a walking dead man."I stifled a gulp."Nicholas?" A young Asian woman came for me."So, they saw something on a scan you had?""Yes, " I said following her into the CT Scan room I was in last week."Have you had a scan before?""Yes," I said, "here last week, in that machine." The metal do-nut looked like it was saying 'Oh!'She smiled. "Lie down please."I knew what to do."Oh, Nicholas, I'm going to have to ask you to take your shorts off.""Everything?!" I couldn't stifle this gulp."No, just your shorts, they have metal on them."I whipped them off. Thank goodness I wore underwear today!"Shuffle down, further, further, you're quite tall.....a bit further," she said. My feet were hanging off the bottom.I needed a chest scan with contrast which entailed injecting dye into my blood.She began to search for a vein. She rejected my left arm but was happy with what she found on my right arm."I need to put in a cannula. You will feel a sharp sting."I braced myself......it wasn't that bad."Right we will do a scan without the dye and then one with the dye. The first scan is low radiation." She did not say anything about the second scan but by inference assumed it would singe my chest hair.She left me and went into her booth.I slowly slid into the humming machine......I went much further in than I did last time and could see red lights circling round the the central hole."Are you ok?" She asked."Fine," I said.The lights disappeared and the humming stopped and everything went quiet.'Have I broken it?' I wondered. It wouldn't be the first time I have had an adverse reaction when out of my shorts.It was quiet but behind the transparent central core I could see something moving, like an iris focussing and then the humming started again."Take a deep breath in and hold it," said the machine loudly.I did and I slowly slid out again.I looked to my left for the screen that had been there last time but it was not there. It was now on my right and I couldn't quite see it properly.She came back."Right I am just hooking up the iodine dye to your cannula now. I will inject it from back there but I will tell you when I am going to do it."'Why was that? Is there a chance it might explode?' My mind was running riot."You might feel a warm sensation passing through your body and you might feel like you are peeing in your pants.""What?" I said, not quite believing what I had just heard." Some people feel that they are peeing their pants but they are not," she said.'Yikes, what if I do!' I thought.She left me again.I slowly slid back into the machine. This time my overhanging feet hit the wall and for a second thought I was going to be concertinaed but the machine stopped."Right, I am injecting the dye now."I heard a clicking sound, 'click, click, click, click.' I didn't feel any warmth. 'Click, click, click.' Crikey! How much dye was she putting in me? a final 'click.'"Take a deep breath and hold it' said the machine.I suddenly felt like I was peeing my pants. I breathed in and slowly slid out.She was back again."How do you feel?""Fine," I said. "I know what you mean about the peeing though."She laughed and unhooked the drip but left the cannula in."I'm just going to go and have a look at the scans. Are you OK lying there for 5 minutes or so?""Yes," I said.I stared up at the white clinical ceiling and the two fluorescent strip lights. It felt a bit like I was in a Sci-fi movie and I was waiting for the alien probe.She was somewhere looking for my spiculated solid mass. I wondered what she was thinking......."Oh, heck! poor chap."......."Nope, can't see anything."........."Mmmm, nice liver."Yikes, her first words were going to be very important......what was she going to say? She seemed to be a long time....was she steeling herself?She came back."How are you feeling?""Fine," I said, wondering if I actually was.She took the cannula out of my arm.....taking the adhesive strips off was more painful than the needle going in."I have your scans ready.""How did they look?""I have no idea," she said, "They were good pictures but it is up to the pathologist to say what they can see. The report will be with your doctor tomorrow morning."I pulled my shorts back on."All the best," she said."Thanks," I said and left.I called in at the surgery to make an appointment with Dr Wang.Bored Stacey was sat behind the desk, fiddling with some boxes. It looked like a new delivery of something. She looked disappointed that it was not chocolates.She looked up, 'acknowledging the customer'."Can I make an appointment to see Dr Wang tomorrow afternoon?" I asked."She peered at her computer......"No," she said, " he finishes at 1.00.""Thursday morning?""10.45?""Fine" I said."What's your surname again?""Allen.""Done."Back at Celtis St, Dulcie was playing Euchre with the Blue Care girl.I popped the bag with my scans in on the sofa and noticed for the first time that written in big letters across it was:'Exact Womens Imaging Clinics'.I turned the bag round so it didn't look like I was pregnant.......but realised in some sort of way I was......I was having kittens.